


could we ever be enough? (baby we could be enough)

by infinitymalec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality, M/M, Missing Scene, Mortality, Post-Episode: s03e05 Stronger Than Heaven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 19:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14361852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitymalec/pseuds/infinitymalec
Summary: After Magnus makes the drinks, they move to the balcony, like they do every night. It’s almost as if they are trying to regain control. Perhaps, in the back of their minds, if they follow a practiced and almost mundane routine, there is a higher likelihood of things returning to a sense of normality - if anything, they do it because it feels as though a gate has been opened today leading to a path they both knew was inevitable but had seemingly refused to consider, feigning ignorance until it became too hard to continue.Or, just after the last Malec scene in 3x05. Neither of them are really all that okay. Ends optimistically!





	could we ever be enough? (baby we could be enough)

**Author's Note:**

> I've never published on here before but I have other Malec oneshots on my Tumblr which is under the same name as this account! This is being cross-posted, and the title of this fic is taken from One Direction's "Home". (One of the lines is also taken from one of the books, but I read them once over a year ago so I'm not sure which one.)  
> I felt like the last Malec scene in 3x05 left something to be desired so whilst I'm never happy with what I write, I decided to write this and I actually weirdly don't hate it. It's kind of sad but only because they love each other so much, and I guess the ending is pretty optimistic.  
> Don't forget to leave kudos if you enjoy! :)

After Magnus makes the drinks, they move to the balcony, like they do every night. It’s almost as if they are trying to regain control. Perhaps, in the back of their minds, if they follow a practiced and almost mundane routine, there is a higher likelihood of things returning to a sense of normality - if anything, they do it because it feels as though a gate has been opened today leading to a path they both knew was inevitable but had seemingly refused to consider, feigning ignorance until it became too hard to continue.

“How was your day at the Institute, Alexander?” Magnus inquired, eager to break the too encompassing silence which unsettled the air around them. He remembers a few weeks ago when this silence was the daily routine of his relationship - if you could have called it that - with Alec, back when he was engaged to Lydia. With the severity of what has happened within the last month or so, Magnus muses that if feels like a lifetime ago. Of course, it isn’t. 

Alec pulls a face, almost as if he’s considering how to speak. “It was… interesting.” 

“How so?” Magnus raises his eyebrows, willing the shadowhunter to go on. Alec opens his mouth once or twice but fails to make any noises come out. “Oh, do tell, Alexander. You know how much I like gossip.” 

Alec chances a grin at that, and it feels like the atmosphere relaxes soon after. “It’s not necessarily gossip. Uh… so you know the new head of security, Underhill? He helped reboot the systems after what happened with Morgan.” Magnus nods, encouraging but otherwise silent. “He stayed in my office today after giving me some information.” He closes his eyes, considering his phrasing. “He… well, I guess he wanted to thank me.” Humble as ever, his voice raises up towards the end which makes it seem like it’s more of a question than a statement. “Or to congratulate me. I’m not quite sure. He… he said that me coming out at my wedding helped give him the courage to come out as gay himself.” He glances over to Magnus, who is smiling proudly. 

“Well, you changed my life, Alexander. It’s no wonder you were able to change others.” He steps into Alec’s embrace, leaning onto his chest as Alec’s right arm automatically wraps around him. “I am so proud of you.” Magnus reaches up slightly and they share a warm kiss.

“Thank you.” Alec bites his lip.

Magnus, of course, picks up on his nerves. “Alexander, what is it? Don’t say nothing.”

“Right, sorry.” Alec lets go of Magnus and uses his gained arm to scratch at the back of his neck in an anxious move. “It’s just… he said it was good to see the Head of the Institute in a trusting relationship. I’m-”

Cutting him off, Magnus puts both of their drinks down and uses both hands to reach up and cup Alec’s face. “I know where this is going. I’m not mad at you, Alexander.”

Once again, Alec chews at his lip before making the decision to lean in and hold Magnus in a tight hug. “Can we- can we sit down?” Magnus agrees, and they move to the black couch on the balcony. They settle so that they’re sat against each other comfortably but securely, Alec appearing to be slumped against his boyfriend’s chest.

Magnus takes one of Alec’s hands and holds it gently in his own. “Hey,” he says, looking into Alec’s hazel eyes. “Talk to me.”

“I’m not good with words.”

Magnus’s lips turn up in a sad smile. “I know. Take your time. I have nowhere else to be other than here, right now, with you.”

Alec squeezes his hand gratefully. “It hurts so much that one day I will have to leave you.” 

Magnus tenses up instantaneously and begins to protest. “Alec…” 

“Magnus… you have already made my life more than I ever imagined it could be, more than I ever imagined I could have. And I want to give you the same. More than anything. I want to be enough for you. And it- it kills me - it is killing me - to know that there’s a very slim chance that I could be.” Alec says this with a tight throat and a worn heart.

Magnus sighs, tears having filles his eyes. “Alec, you are. You are enough, darling.”

All Alec does is shake his head. “I don’t mean right now. I mean… okay. Magnus, I want you to know this, and please, baby, I need you to believe me. I could never ask that of you. After I’m gone, I want - I need - for you to be happy. It’s the only way I’d be able to rest easily. And if that means that you have to move on and love other people then… then I can’t stop you, because you deserve every bit of love and happiness that comes your way. You- I’m just… I’m so mad at myself that this is affecting me because I know that we… that I… I can’t fix it.” At this point, tears flow freely down both of their cheeks. “It’s just… Magnus, you have given me everything. And it breaks my heart that I can’t do the same.”

Almost as if he’s acting on autopilot or sheer principle, Magnus moves so he’s straddling Alec’s legs, hands once again finding their place on his neck. His right hand brushes Alec’s deflect rune, but only barely, like Magnus is afraid to damage it. Or him. “But you have, Alexander.” Alec shakes his head from side to side, refusing. “You have, you have. Please, Alexander. Please don’t doubt my love for you or what you have done for me in such a small amount of time.” One hand pushes through Alec’s knotted hair. “I told you how you had unlocked something in me and I was telling the truth. This… what we have… this is not something that I could ever forget, I promise you. Not in a million years.”  
Alec’s hands tightly grip Magnus’s waist as the warlock wipes tears from his boyfriend’s eyes. “You are more than enough for me, Alexander. Truthfully, I don’t believe that I have ever loved anybody the way that I love you.” Alec’s mouth hangs open slightly. “Please believe me.”

“I love you too, Magnus.” He surges forward and they seem to intertwine limb to limb. 

Magnus pulls back slightly, staring at his boyfriend. Alec Lightwood, who barely knew of a colour besides black. Alec Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute. Alec Lightwood, who would blow up the very ground he stands upon to making something right. The most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He watches Alec’s lips part almost imperceptibly, breathing slowly.

This won’t be the last time they argue over this. It also won’t be the last time they hold each other and cry over it. The immortality issue is not one which ever really goes away. At least, not in Magnus’s history. Either the person he loved would leave of their own choice or Magnus would outlive them. It hurt no less each time, no matter the circumstance. Magnus didn’t even want to think about Alec no longer being there. In a way, he considers, it’s important that they argue over it, if anything because it shows that they love each other enough to want to commit to each other in spite of the odds. And he’s sure that, one day, they’ll be able to discuss it more calmly. 

He’s also sure about another thing: Alexander is not like the rest. Alec is different from his past lovers in a way which is becoming clearer each day. Alec did not run away when Magnus showed him his warlock mark, nor did he run away when learning about his father or his romantic history. Yes, the immortality issues is hurting him, but at least Alec never showed any sign of wanting to run. Magnus is sure he wouldn’t have blamed him.

“You okay?” Alec asks, a hand coming up to cup his face.

Magnus nods slightly before pulling Alec into a slow kiss. When they pull apart, they settle back onto the couch, arms wrapped even tighter around each other. They stay there so long that Magnus shuts his eyes, caught up in the moment. Alec must think he’s asleep, because the arms move over his body in a mildly more protective manner and the archer brushes a gentle kiss across his boyfriend’s forehead. 

Now, Magnus could easily be wrong. It had been an extremely long day and, admittedly, he was tired. But it does sound an awful lot like Alec whispers a frantic “I don’t want to leave you,” against Magnus’s devastatingly tousled hair… and, well. Magnus feels his heart skip a beat before it wrenches strikingly. And if in the privacy of his own brain Magnus thinks that he doesn’t want Alec to leave him either… well, for now… nobody needs to know.

Still, the thought lingers whilst he prepares to go to sleep in the arms of his shadowhunter later that night, a thought juxtaposing both comfort and sorrow in one moment: the thought that maybe Alec really was different. Maybe Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart.


End file.
